Pantry Living Season Finale

It is over! We survived!  I went grocery shopping for the first real time last Tuesday and it was exhilarating. The experiment lasted just over 11 weeks and I am thrilled with my results. I cheated a few times. I used lots of my cash anytime I wanted to splurge and buy a needed item or doughnuts......I really like doughnuts. So here is my quick review of it all:

Pantry Living Take 3 beginning

 

Pantry at end of week 11

Unopened boxes of cereal before Week 1: 55
Unopened boxes of cereal after week 11: 4 (*note my dad gave me about 5 boxes of cereal throughout the summer. I probably wouldn't have bought any boxes myself, just forced a few other breakfast options other days.)
Items we were completely out of: fruit snacks, box drinks, gallon bags, quart bags, tin foil, minced garlic, water bottles, strawberry jam, strawberry applesauce, rice, ramen noodles, olives, raisins, frozen broccoli
Items I used my cash to buy more of since we were out: graham crackers, chocolate bars, marshmallows, brown sugar, paper plates, light bulbs, egg noodles, syrup
Items we had lots left of: mac and cheese, variety of salad dressing (except Italian), pickles, cake mixes, pudding mixes, pasta, spaghetti sauce, sauerkraut, beef broth, paper napkins, bathroom cleaner,  canned pineapple, frozen spinach, frozen ravioli

Lessons learned:

1. The small size water bottles are great for my kids in the car. I bought two big packs on a special clearance before the summer. That is about the right amount for them and they don't sully a big bottle I want to drink :) Don't think I'll pay full price for them though. Just have to wait for another screamin' deal.
2. I set the rules. I hold myself accountable. Others are interested in my progress but no one is shaming me when I cheat or screw up. I cheated a few times but I didn't take it so emotionally this year. Other years I've lost sleep over the matter. This year I tried to keep myself in check but I was more chill about it. I had to cut myself some slack when we'd have visitors and remember it wouldn't break the bank if I bought a few extra things to feed the masses. 
3. I started the summer with only a few packs of cookies and ended the summer with some still unopened. I keep them on the top shelf in the pantry and only bust them open occasionally. It is better for all of us. 
4. Indulgent Trail Mix is my Achilles heel. Cashews, almonds, peanuts, semi-sweet, white and peanut butter chips, craisins, golden raisins. I eat it too quickly, but it isn't a bad snack. I seldom buy it from Wal-mart (the only place who makes it) and when I do it is gone too quickly. I started making my own in small batches and it is way cheaper. Also my kiddos love it too, but they tend to pick out all the yummy chips. 
5. I hardly made beach burritos this summer. It is a three bean salad with Italian dressing and optional other ingredients (ie parm cheese, corn, olives, tomatoes) and you serve it cold in a tortilla at the beach. So I ended the summer with more canned beans than expected.
6. Levi loves applesauce and I would clip the corner of a ziplock bag and dump the applesauce into it. I could easily squeeze it into his mouth at the beach and it was way cheaper than buying those bags of baby food. 
7. My garden was great and I'm excited to try a second raised bed next year. I want my kids to be more involved in the planting and tending. I hope to grow zucchini, tomatoes, green beans, cucumbers, and peas. I'm so sad my zucchini plant died so early this year. I only got three zucchinis. I read it was probably a vine burrowing bug that attacked it. Next year I hope for better!
8. I have amazing friends and family who support me in this. My parents, my in-laws, and several friends pitched in and helped make this project less painful. 

I love being self sufficient. We are so blessed with enough. I find myself with an immature mindset sometimes thinking "I don't want enough. I want more." (one of my children actually said that one day. It was such an eye opening experience.) I am grateful for enough. I love enough. And this year we had enough. Heavenly Father is mindful of me and my family. He is mindful of you. It is my prayer you will see His hand in your life.

Until next year..........Happy Autumn!

Weeks 8 & 9

Two more weeks down and summer is slipping by me. The weeks are starting to blend together so let's see how good my memory is.

Pantry after week 8

Pantry after week 9

Boxes of unopened cereal after week 7:18
Boxes of unopened cereal after week 8: 16
Boxes of unopened cereal after week 9: 16 *my dad gifted us 3 boxes on the last day to up it from 13.

Cash purchases: clothes, shoes, tacos, bananas, apples, cucumbers, oranges, burgers and fries,  gifts for bday party, school supplies, trail mix,
Allowable purchases: gas, veggies and fruit, milk
Cheats: my new cell phone(This was a very necessary purchase plus new phone and first month payment was only $60 because of a rockin' promotion). hubby's new sneakers (another necessary purchase), a few small christmas gifts for extended relatives, and light bulbs, dry erase markers. NOTE: I deposited a large sum of cash to make up for most of this.
Jars/bags opened: Spaghetti sauce, chips, cookies, jam, flour, pop tarts, strawberry applesauce, nutella
Items we are totally out of: fruit snacks,

My poor dead zucchini plant

our garden

Only two more weeks left. WOW!

Happy Summer!

Weeks 6 & 7

Family time is the best! We've had a month of visitors and it was dreamy. My sweet niece that stayed with us for July just left and her place was quickly filled with more family that we haven't seen in years. We spent a few fantastic days together hitting the beach and rides and loving life. We are so blessed.

Pantry after week 6

Pantry after week 7

Quick pantry recap:
Unopened boxes of cereal after week 5: 29
Unopened boxes of cereal after week 6: 22
Unopened boxes of cereal after week 7: 18

Allowable purchases: gas,
Cash purchases: ham, bread, pepperoni, cheese, raspberries, blueberries, apples, bananas, grapes, potatoes, lettuce, cucumbers, graham crackers, chocolate bars, marshmallows, root beer, ice cream, pencils, contact solution, curtain rod, bug zapper, clothes, flip-flops,
Gifts purchased with cash: board games (christmas presents), toys(christmas presents), pillows & wash cloths (wedding gift), play-doh (b-day gift)
Cheats: originally my amazing deals for christmas were done with a credit card but I put my cash in the bank the next day so it forgave the cheat. These were the most amazing deals at Target! I spent $113 and saved over $156. Seriously so good!
Jars/bottles opened: ranch dressing, graham crackers, choc bars, marshmallows, root beer, sprite, sandwich bags, peanut butter, spaghetti sauce, rice, applesauce, chips, vanilla wafers, cookies, pudding mix,
Food gifts: cereal, milk

Garden update: my zuchini plant is dead. I am so sad. I only got three beautiful zucchinis from it this year. Last year I got 8. It suddenly died in a matter of days. Everything I reseached says it was probably a vine burrowing bug that killed it. My tomatoes are unaffected.  They are flourishing. My green beans have been plentiful but are starting to turn yellow and aren't looking so good. We've been very dry lately and I'm not the best at watering them because it usually rains every few days to help me out. I need to improve for their sake.

Exactly one more month of pantry living. Wow! Time is flying by.

Happy Summer!

Pantry Living Week 5

I didn't cheat this week! I'm really proud of that.

We kept busy this week at the beach twice, the aquarium, playground, Grammy's pool, and lots of playing.
This week I lost my cell phone and my two year old, separately. I am pleased to announce both were found!

Pantry after week 5

Here our the stats:
 Unopened boxes of cereal after week 4: 33
Unopened boxes of cereal after week 5: 29
Cash purchases: cilantro, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, pencils, lettuce, cucumbers, carrots, flip-flops, rash guard, silly cups, parking, tortilla chips
Allowable credit purchases: gas, oil change
Gifts: 2 mangos, milk
Yummy treats I made: banana crumb cake, mango salsa
Items opened: ketchup, flour, goldfish, large box of granola bars, ranch dressing, toilet paper, water bottles, sandwich bags, plastic wrap, salsa

This keeps happening

 The garden is practically throwing tomatoes at us. My zucchini plant is still only half alive, but the alive side is growing a nice zucchini for me. I've also decided next year I want to build a second raised bed garden. But this one I want to be for my children. They regularly get scolded for harvesting veggies without permission. They need plants to tend and responsibility. We discussed it and they have grande plans, so far they want to plant tomatoes, green beans, carrots, cucumbers, peppers, and zucchini. We'll work out those details later. But they are entirely thrilled!

Let me know how what you're doing for fun.

Happy Summer!

Mango Salsa

 

 My kind daddy bought me two mangoes. They were delicious! I ate one accidentally one night. I just wanted to taste it and then it was gone. oops. With my second I made yummy mango salsa that my children won't eat. In my opinion, they decided before tasting it they didn't like it. I'm not that upset, more for me!  :)

I found a recipe on pinterest, reduced it greatly (they wanted me to use 6 mangos). Ran to the grocery store at 10pm to buy fresh cilantro. And made up the quantities that I thought would be best.
 

 

I used a bunch of my fresh tomatoes, one small onion, and one mango.

 

I chopped all of those up.

Then I chopped some cilantro. 

I added three cap fulls of lime juice 

and one dollop of olive oil,

and a little salt.

That's it!

Super tasty Mango Salsa!

Pantry Living Week 4

Another week has zipped along. We are blessed to have our niece staying with us this month. She is a beautiful nine year old who helps lots with little Levi and plays wonderfully with the other kiddos too. We are going through a touch more food than usual but I'm glad to have her here.

Pantry after Week 4

Week 3 unopened cereal: 36
Week 4 unopened cereal: 33
Allowable purchases: bread, sour cream, yogurt, OJ, bananas, juice, margarine, whipped cream, carrots, gas, renew Sam's membership
Cash purchases: pizza, $1 summer movie and popcorn, dumpling wrappers
Yard sale finds: kid clothes, books
Cheats: doughnuts, inexpensive christmas present
Opened jars/boxes: pancake mix, bbq sauce, french dressing, Sprite, graham crackers, marshmallows, chocolate bars, plastic wrap, twizzlers
Gifts: 3 boxes of cereal from my sweet Daddy 

Garden Gains: one monster zucchini, 8 tomatoes, a bushel of green beans

I'm worried about my garden. My strawberry plant I've given up on. The birds stole all the strawberries it grew except for three. My green beans are doing fine. One tomato bush is big and full of green beauties. The second tomato bush is trying to take over my back yard. It is pulling over the cage. It is resting its arms on the green beans and in the other direction on the zucchini. I've had to reinforce the cage and add a second cage beside it to hold up the weight. But my real concern is for my zucchini plant that was beautiful and healthy until we had a foot or so of rain dump on us on Wednesday. It appears the down pour damaged one half of the plant. I'm not sure if it will recover. But I'm keeping it in my prayers. Yes, I pray for my vegetables. It can't hurt. 

Confession: Yes, I am on "pantry living". No, I'm not supposed to buy anything except my originally designated items. But I can't allow an amazing deal to get passed up if I am certain it will cost me significantly more if I wait until September. Last week, I had a long list of cheats.Some were food items that were needed to help me host 33 people at my home for our family reunion. Several had nothing to do with my reunion. I bought my hubby really nice new flip-flops that were on clearance for $4.81. Seriously, I couldn't pass that up. Also I got each of my potty trained kids underwear in the next size up because I encountered an amazing deal. 10 pairs for $6. If you've ever shopped for kid underwear you'll understand how crazy expensive they are. And when you have as many kids as I do I can't pass those savings up. This week I bought an item that a certain family member will really appreciate. I got it for about $6. It is worth the tiny cheat in my book.

Confession #2: I really like doughnuts. That was my other cheat this week. I could have rung that order up separately at the grocery store since it cost $3.39 and freed myself from the "cheat". but it is just easier to confess it than hassle the clerk and the already long lines at the grocery store and the 4 children I had holding on to my shopping cart.

Hope you're filling your bellies with good food and your home with good fun!

Happy Summer!

Pantry Living Weeks 2 & 3

This last two weeks have been crazy! We hosted a marvelous Vigue family reunion. There were 33 of us eating and playing at our house for a week. Each family took turns providing a dinner but my pantry helped fill in the gaps. Some of the details of these days is foggy but I'll try and recap what happened with our pantry.

Pantry after week 2

Pantry after week 3

After Week 1 unopened cereal: 51
After Week 2 unopened cereal: 43
After Week 3 unopened cereal: 36
Cash purchases: swimsuit and shirt for my niece, dress for my daughter, ice cream, funnel cake, bananas, apples, strawberries, blueberries, grapes, potatoes, onions, cucumbers, peppers, burger king, pizza,
Cheats:  plastic forks, Italian dressing, ranch dressing, styrafoam bowls, peanuts, juice, frosted brownies, cookies, notebooks, socks, flip-flops, kids' underwear,
Allowed purchases: watermelon, sour cream, milk, eggs, gas, bread, cheese
Items opened: strawberry jam, spaghetti sauce, napkins, case of water, corn starch, vanilla, hand soap, several Italian and Ranch dressings, cookies, soda, Powerade, box of margarine, flour, tortillas, corn chips, mayo, fruit snacks, veg oil, syrup
Good Gardening: 1 monster zucchini, 1 bushel of green beans, 5 very large grape tomatoes, a few small strawberries(the birds are stealing them)

My first harvest! The tomatoes were all devoured before they could be photographed.

Our reunion was fantastic and we made wonderful memories together. My sweet family was concerned about depleting my pantry. They are so kind and respectful of this summer project I impose upon myself. I tried to be accommodating and allow them to anything they might need from our pantry. In the end we used more than usual but we still have mountains of food left. We used gobs of toilet paper but I was prepared for that one ;)

I told you there were a lot of us. The 3 of us pic below weren't even it this one.

We were the photographers for the group photo.

We take this reunion thing very seriously.

All the grandkids with Grammy and Pop storming Vigue Beach!

Happy Summer!

Pantry Living Week 1

Week 1 was fun! We went to the beach. We went to the boardwalk and went on the rides. We played inside and outside. We visited the library and checked out movies. We got ice cream and even bought a pizza for lunch one day.
The beach required no money,
the boardwalk and rides-no money,
playing- free
library- free
movies- free
ice cream- Grammy treated us
pizza- I used my cash.
We had so much fun and spent very little. It was great. Our beaches do require tags and the rides do require tickets. I bought all of those back in the spring with cash so that was my summer fun investment.

Pantry after week 1

Stats after week 1-
Unopened boxes of cereal before week 1: 54
Unopened boxes of cereal after week 1: 51
Allowable purchases: gas
Cash purchases: family picture poster for our reunion, pizza, Rainforest Cafe(end of school celebratory lunch),  two boxes of fruit snack that I forgot to buy last week, ice cream/milk shakes to celebrate after recital, two boogie boards
Credit Card cheats: tummy medicine, flowers for Lilia's dance recital,
Items/jars opened this week: large peanut butter, box of margarine, box of butter, flour, Italian dressing, sandwich bags, hand soap, cookies, large box of goldfish, bag of tortilla chips, pack of toilet paper

Our garden hasn't produced anything yet. And I think the birds are eating the  few emerging strawberries.
Let me know how your garden is doing.

Happy Summer!

Pantry Living Third Time Around

Summer time and the livin' is easy. I'm loving life and my pantry is bursting at the seams. So here's the deal:
My awesome hubby is a special ed middle school teacher. He teaches in a self-contained behavior classroom. He is amazing at his job and works so hard for 10 solid months to provide for our growing family. But he only receives his salary during those 10 tough months. Unfortunately, our family still needs to eat in the summer. My good hubby teaches a summer enrichment program in his district during the summer but it isn't quite the same financially. I am trying my best to be a great mom and great wife. I try to be fun and give my family lasting memories all year long. Summer holds lots of excitement here at the Jersey Shore and we love it. But I try really hard to make it possible for us to experience the fun without emptying our savings account. So two years ago I started "Pantry Living". It is a self-imposed project that helps us spend less but still eat well. I set guidelines for myself and report on our progress weekly. I document it with pics of the pantry and our garden.

Here are my rules:
-No grocery shopping or any shopping.
-Allowable purchases: fruits and veggies, bread, eggs, and dairy
-No credit cards except for allowable foods and gas.
-Cash only. If I want to treat us to ice cream I use my cash. If I want to buy a new skirt I use my cash. If I want to buy pizza for dinner I use my cash. My cash is saved up from doing odd sewing jobs for friends and teaching dance. I do not get cash from the bank. When I run out of cash for the summer, oh well.

Pantry Living begins on my hubby's last day of school in June and goes until his first day of school in Sept. This project helps me see what food we really eat. It helps me rotate my pantry. It helps me see if we could really sustain ourselves during a zombie apocalypse. I try to shop all year long as if my hubby's job was in jeopardy. I hope we'd be ok for about 3 months if we were in a financial tough spot.

 Here is the pic of the pantry on my hubby's last day of school.

Ready, Set, GO!

 My food has started to stretch to the other side of the pantry too. It sure looks like a lot of food but trust me when I say it will be gone in a flash.

Our garden was planted in May and has already flourished. I planted one zucchini plant, two grape tomato plants and three rows of green beans. Also one cilantro (which is already dead) and a small bucket strawberry plant. I love to mix marigolds all around. They help deter bugs and add lovely color to the space. 

Our garden when planted in May.

Last year I created an Inventory List. I kept track of how many of each item we started with and what was left at the end. A few went into the negatives because I had to cheat and buy extra flour and such. We have some goodies and chips and things but even those must last all summer.

A few beginning stats:
Unopened boxes of cereal: 54
Rolls of Toilet Paper: 72
Jars of Peanut Butter: 5
Bottles of Laundry Detergent: 11
Jars of Spaghetti Sauce: 13

I hope this will inspire you to test your preparedness and live financially savvy.

Happy Summer!

Inventory List

Pantry

Baking

Flour     

Sugar    

Salt        

Pepper

Baking Soda       

Baking Powder 

Corn Starch

Cocoa                   

Chocolate Chips 

Coconut              

Marshmallows 

Cake Mixes

Brownie Mixes 

Pudding Mix      

Frosting               

Bisquick               

Powdered Sugar 

Brown Sugar     

Vanilla                  

Spray Butter      

Spray Olive Oil  

Olive Oil              

Veg. Oil                               

Shortening

Sesame Oil         

Vinegar               

Honey                  

Yeast

Breakfast

Cereals                

Oatmeal              

Granola               

Pancake Mix     

Syrup                   

Muffin Mix        

Canned Goods

Corn                     

Green Beans     

Beets   

Sauerkraut         

Black Beans       

Misc. Beans

Tuna fish             

Canned Chicken                              

Tomatoes                           

Tomato Paste

Cream of Mushroom     

French Fried Onions

Mushrooms                      

Olives                                   

Chicken Broth                   

Beef Broth                         

Pears                                    

Peaches             

Pineapple                           

Mandarin Oranges         

Apple Sauce     

Sweetened Cond. Milk

Evaporated Milk              

Soup                     

Peanut Butter        

Jelly                                      

Pickles                                 

Minced Garlic                   

Nutella                       

Pumpkin

Parm Cheese

Side Dishes

Pasta                                    

Spaghetti

Lasagna                               

Rice-a-Roni                        

Yellow Rice                        

White Rice            

Mac-n-cheese                  

Egg Noodles                      

Tortillas                                 

Ramen Noodles                               

Spaghetti Sauce                               

Alfredo Sauce                   

Bread Crumbs                  

Suddenly Salad                

Cleaners

Hand soap                          

Dish Soap           

Laundry Detergent         

Borax                                   

Dryer Sheets                     

Automatic Dish Soap     

Bathroom Cleaner          

Toilet Cleaner                   

Glass Cleaner                    

Lysol Wipes                       

Furniture Polish                               

Ajax                                      

Light bulbs

Paper Goods

Toilet Paper       

Paper Towels    

Napkins                               

Tissues

Plates          

Utensils                               

Cups                     

Toiletries

Soap     

Body Wash

Shampoo

Conditioner

Kid Shampoo

Deodorant

Toothpaste

Kid Toothpaste

Vitamins

Kid Vitamins

Wipes

Diapers

Fem. Products

Contact Solution

Q-tips

Cotton Balls

Face Wash

Hair Spray

Hair Products

Make-Up

Band-aids

Neosporin

Pain Killers

Kid Tylenol

Razors

Snacks

Crackers                              

Cheesy Crackers

Goldfish              

Granola Bars              

Popcorn                      

Fruit Snacks                       

Fruit Roll-ups                    

Candy                                  

Cookies                                               

Nuts                                     

Raisins                                 

Craisins                    

Graham Crackers            

Choc. Graham Crackers 

Marshmallow Fluff         

Chips                                    

Ice Cream Cones      

Jello Mix                     

Hershey Bars                    

Drinks

Bottled Water                  

Soda                                     

Juice                                     

Powerade                          

Crystal Light Pouches    

Capri Sun            

Hot Choc         

Nestle Quik Mix                               

Bags and Wraps

Snack Bags                         

Sandwich Bags                 

Large Sandwich Bags     

Gallon Bags                        

Alum. Foil                           

Plastic Wrap                      

Brown lunch bags

Parchment Pap    

Dressings

Italian                   

Ranch                   

Balsamic              

French                 

Caesar                 

BBQ                      

Ketchup              

Mustard              

Marinades         

Mayo                   

Salsa                     

Steak Sauce       

Ranch Mix          

Onion Soup Mix                  

Freezer

Meat

Chicken Breast

Whole Chicken

Chicken Legs

Meatloaf

Cooked Ground Beef

Hamburgers

Beef Roast

Pork Chops

Pork Roast

Chicken Cordon Bleu

Fish Filets

Fish Sticks

Cooked Chicken

Turkey Bacon

Breakfast Sausage

Italian Sausage

Ground Pork

Corned Beef

Imitation Crab

Hot Dogs

Ham

Pot Pies

Chicken Nuggets

Ground Turkey

Shrimp

Veggies

Broccoli

Green Beans

Edamame

Spinach

Stir Fry mix

Breads

Bagels

Rolls

White Bread

Hamburger Buns

Ravioli

Butter

Shredded Cheese

Potatoes

French Fries

Onion Rings

Tater Tots

Desserts

Ice Cream

Ice Cream Novelties

Popsicles

Go Gurts

Pie

Fridge

Sour Cream

Shredded Cheese

Chunk Cheese

Cheese Slices

Cream Cheese

Pepperoni

Potstickers...mmmmmm!

So I've been craving thesetasty chinese dumplings and decided to give it a shot. The results were amazing! I found the original recipes for potstickers and the wonton wrappers. In the future I may try to buy the wrappers to save on time, but we'll see. Start to finish it all only took under an hour to prepare. It made about 30 or so.

btw I didn't take this pic

I didn't have all the ingredients in the original recipe so I'll tell you what I did:

Filling:
1 lb ground turkey
2 cloves of minced garlic
2 tsp sesame oil
1 cup chopped celery
1/2 chopped onion
salt and pepper
pinch of ground ginger
a few drops of hot sauce

Mix all ingredients together in bowl. See that wasn't so hard.

Wrappers:
1 egg beaten
1/3 cup water
2 cups flour
1/2 tsp salt

-Beat egg. Add water and mix together.
- In separate bowl mix flour and salt. Create a well in the center and slowly add in egg and water combo. Mix well. If it is too dry add in 1 tsp water at a time until it forms into a pliable dough. (I needed to add 2 tsp of additional water to make it the proper consistency.)
-On a lightly floured suface need dough until elastic. Cut into two balls. Cover with a damp towel and allow to rest for at least 10 mins.
- Cut each ball into about 6 six pieces. Roll each piece out as thin as you can without it ripping. I found this to be the most challenging part. The dough is a bit firm and keeps pulling slightly back on itself. Cut it into a few pieces that seem appropriate size (I made some large and some small). Fill each with filling (small 1/2 tbsp, large 1tbsp). Pinch edges together.
-I chose to fry mine in oil. A couple gulgs of veg oil in a frying pan about 350 degrees (med-high heat). Be careful the oil doesn't get too hot or it will pop and burn you or just burn your potstickers. Cook on each side for 2-3 mins, turn once. Serve hot with a small bowl of soy sauce for dipping. I served it with a salad and white rice.
-Enjoy!

Reviews:
My kids loved the meat inside. Only my toddler refused to eat the wrapper. This was my mom's first time trying them and she adored them. She lost count of how many she ate. My hubby and I were also big fans and this dish has made it to the master list of dinners I make on a regular basis.

One night of mourning

Tonight I cuddled with my sweet hubby and we enjoyed a movie together. The movie was "The Monuments Men". He'd never seen it before, but I had.
One year ago I'd planned a Girls' Night Out. My mom and I met a few other ladies from church at the local theater. There were only 6 of us in the entire room that night. We enjoyed the film and our private screening. Little did I know that something less than beautiful was beginning for me.
After the movie a few of us stopped to use the ladies room on our way out the door. That is when my heart stopped. To my horror my pants were covered in blood. As my heart raced and my mind whirled I passed a softball size blood clot and the automatic toilet took it away before I knew what happened. 14 weeks pregnant and I believed my baby had just been taken from my womb never to be snuggled, never to be kissed, never to be celebrated. I left the bathroom shocked and afraid to ruin our evening. I walked with the group towards the parking lot nodding and saying the appropriate responses until I could climb into my van. My mom lingered with a friend, it was a tender mercy. My feelings could be corralled no more. The torrent of emotions drowned me. I dialed my husband and blurted out "I think I just miscarried." Through sobs I related the most recent events. I knew he was equally as devastated but I could only focus on my loss. In a minute I was off the phone and my mom opened the door. Imagine her surprise finding me in such a state. I spoke the same words to her. Her arms were around me trying to lift me from my plummet. I could hardly breath. I could hardly think. I wanted to drive. I wanted to fight. I wanted to somehow retrieve my baby. I couldn't see straight.
My mother drove me home and I changed my clothes in preparation for the hospital. I took a moment and called the midwives' emergency line to tell the midwife on call what happened. When she called back I related the story. By this time the tears had stopped, my breathing had slowed and my heart felt cold. The midwife agreed with my original conclusion. She believed I'd lost my baby. She questioned my physical state and told me to stay home and rest while taking tylenol. I believed her.
I hung up the phone and climbed toward my pillow. I left my dear mommy to see herself out. And I cried.
My husband curled up beside me and he cried with me. His child was lost as well. Sometimes I forget the wretched  night he endured. After a few hours my head throbbed, my eyes were dry and my soul felt empty. The worst part was I didn't want comfort. I didn't think I deserved comfort. I needed to suffer. I had to suffer. I was required to mourn for my baby. And I did.
Sleep came when tears no longer could.
At the breakfast table my eyes were glazed. My children chattered away and I recall them talking about the baby. I just looked to my hubby and thought "how am I supposed to tell them? why do I have to say there won't be a baby anymore?" I didn't. I couldn't, not yet at  least.
At 9:01am I called the OB's office to schedule my emergency visit. The scheduler handled the call gently, she apologized for my loss, another tender mercy of the Lord. The next few hours until my appt I spent huddled in my living room. I was still mourning my baby, but I was now sad for my husband. This was his birthday. I kept apologizing for ruining his birthday. To his credit he looked at me like I was crazy.
Around 11 we were waiting hand in hand to see the head doctor. The doctor you only get to see if something goes wrong. The doctor who's bedside manner was rumored to be extinct. I laid on the exam table while I gave the brief details. He exhaled and said "well, let's check to make sure." I didn't react to the chill of the gel as he applied the fetal monitor. Tears silently slid into my ears. After only a moment he looked me in the eye and said "You're still pregnant."
WHAT?! "Huh?" was my actual response.
"Are you sure?"
He said "You didn't think that heart beat was yours, did you? If your heart was going that fast you'd be in real trouble." And in that instant the elephant was lifted from my chest and feeling was restored to my soul. My husband and I felt confused but all I wanted to feel was the joy. The sunshine that returned to my soul. I hadn't lost my baby in that movie theater stall. After a series of tests and checks they found a beautifully healthy baby within me. I was put on bedrest for the next 6 weeks and left to wonder why it all occurred.
Today I snuggled my miracle baby. Today I kissed those cheeks. Today I celebrated his life. Most miscarriages don't end with such joy. The Lord gave me a chance to feel the pain of another's heartache. This experience taught me compassion, gratitude, and the pure love of Christ. I now know what to say or better yet what not to say to a woman suffering. I now know how fragile life is. I know that life continues forward and our cracks that occur from the tough times help us become more beautiful and perfect in the end.