But this isn't an entirely new experience for me. With my eldest daughter I would grab the hand of whomever was closest and press it to her tiny feet while she'd kick me repeatedly. Some adored sharing this moment and finding it was a real person. Others jumped and yelled startled by the same realization. Pregnancy after pregnancy I've enjoyed the divine process of growing another's mortal body. I am forever in awe of the human capability to create life.
This is my 4th pregnancy. Our children go Girl, Boy, Girl and now Boy. Some have said "Somebody's been talking to God! You've got it perfect!" I agree on both accounts; yes, I speak almost constantly to my Father in Heaven, and I have a beautifully (im)perfect family. But not because I've got an even number of males to females.
Typical responses to each of my pregnancies
- Baby 1- Congratulations! How many children do you plan on having?
- Baby 2- First a girl and now a boy, that's perfect. The rich man's family. You don't have to have anymore now.
- Baby 3- Another one already? Do you want a girl or a boy? Are you done now?
- Baby 4- Wow! You know how this happens right? (insert giggles) Good for you. Are you done having kids now?
And truthfully my answer to the later is
"I don't know."
I've never been offended by a response to my pregnancy. I get a lot of jokes involving various size athletic teams, and if I'm in competition with (insert person with a larger family). I get many confessions from moms about how they are done after one or two because it is just so hard. I receive praise from grandparents who wish they had more grandchildren of their own. I appreciate anyone who is kind enough to notice my increasing size and all that means for the changes in my life.
I'm 31yrs old. I'm healthy, fertile and live a comfortable life. I try my best to be a good mother and sometimes even aspire to be a great one. My hubby's opinion on the issue is the same as always "whatever you can handle". He lovingly supports my decisions as far as my body and our babies. He is a tenured teacher and we are blessed with an income that allows me to be at home with our children. We resist fancy cars, vacations, expensive clothes and dinners out. I yard sale, do pantry living all summer, and pinch my pennies. But we make it work and our lives are blessed.
But emotionally I'm a rollercoaster. I feel strongly that my life is blessed, that our home is full of love and fun, and it is a good place to bring sweet angels from heaven. My body is capable of creating life and I'm still young. My point is I feel horribly guilty to declare that our family is finished growing just because I'm tired. I feel guilty because we are so blessed. I always thought I would just know when I was done. Like when its time to flip the pancakes, you just know. But the problem is I don't feel that. I feel confused. I feel undecided. I feel lost. I've never felt that before.
And I was that #5 baby. I was the baby that my parents could not afford. I was the baby that my dad said "no" when my mom said "yes, there is one more!" What if my mom hadn't fought for me when she was 35. Where would I be? Who would I be?
I realize that 8months pregnant with baby #4 is not the time to be making the decision about future children. Its not a good time to make any decision beyond what's for dinner. Rationality is a trait you misplace while pregnant. But I know it will need to be addressed someday. And maybe then I'll have an answer.
It is difficult with that 4th pregnancy...between all the "fun" comments you receive anywhere you go to the constant exhaustion of creating a new body while taking care of three of little bodies. I was conflicted throughout my entire pregnancy about whether "we" (meaning mainly me) were done. I still am somewhat. I never want to say definitively that we're done; what if the Lord feels like there is some other spirit that needs to join our family. But my body is telling me otherwise; I still can't imagine doing it again after that last one. It was hard.
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